Recovery Stories

Story 1

I was born into a violent family riddled with mental illness and alcoholism. I learned how to survive the chaos at a very early age. I was my mother’s protector at the age of three. I had to be. She was unstable and self-destructive. My father was abusive towards me, and was already showing signs of sociopathy.

Eventually I began to comprehend what was going on around me. I became confused and terrified of being attacked at any moment without cause or reason. I soon developed the horrible sense that I was somehow to blame for my family’s madness. When I began school, my kindergarten teacher must have sensed that I was troubled and suggested to my mother that I be sent to a child psychiatrist for evaluation. From the age of 5 until now, I have been a mental health consumer. As I grew older (but not mature) I fought every therapist who told me to take responsibility for my life tooth and nail. I refused to accept any responsibility. I blamed my family for what they did to me. I hated them all. I hated myself. I lived with a ferocious resentment that I believed gave me strength. I basked in self-loathing and self-hatred. I enjoyed my self-inflicted pain.

Each of my therapists would ask me if I was enjoying the pain I was inflicting on myself. Yes, I was. Was I getting anything out of it? I couldn’t answer that question. I was so used to emotionally mauling myself. I couldn’t feel anything. I was afraid to.

Eventually, I found myself at the breaking point. I had to face the greatest challenge in my life. Did I want to torture myself for the rest of my life? I had to choose. I discovered that the pain of change was not as painful as the pain of living life in emotional agony and helplessness. This was the beginning of my recovery, and I never want to live the old way again.

I sought recovery in Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous. I was finally receiving stabilizing medications, which I still take daily. I became involved in my therapy. When I was ready, I eventually found the Maverick Drop-In Center, which I am pleased to call my second home. I have a new family there. I am proud to be an active member.

I am a full-time volunteer. I help produce our activity calendar. I also have the privilege of facilitating our new Anger Management Group as well as any projects I am asked to do. I am in the first healthy loving relationship with a woman I met in the Maverick. We have our ups and downs, but we are committed to each other. I never dreamed that anyone would want me. I was wrong. So, if you were to ask me how my life is today I would have to truthfully reply that it is an active life, a stable life filled with contentment, love, ups and downs.

Would I ever want to go back in time and live my life the way it used to be? That was not living. It was hell. I love my life today. I earned it. So this is my recovery story. If one person who reads it decides they want recovery as much as I do, I have fulfilled another responsibility: To pass it on to my brother or sister who is still suffering. You can recover. The power is in your strength.